As the end of January comes closer and the start of February comes rushing towards me, I feel like I am in a perpetual state of waiting.
Part of me feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was about this time last year that things started going to heck in a hand basket. My grandmother was gearing up for a d&c and we knew there was a likelihood that she would need a hysterectomy. And I was so worried, so scared. Not nearly as scared or worried as I would be come February and things with her really went wrong. I was so trying to hold out hope, so trying to just get through the day. I was also dealing with my son and his teacher who for some reason did not like or care for my son and made his life a living heck, which was an incredible amount of stress on our family and me as a mom. Then on top of the stress and the waiting in my personal home life, the crap came raining down at school in my professional life. I found out through a friend I trusted that people were circulating rumors which were nasty and false about me, then I ended up having to talk to the Dean about said rumors and life was just so incredibly stressful. It was not a good time this time a year ago, and if I said otherwise I would be lying.
So here I am, same time a year later and part of me marvels at the fact that somehow someway I survived everything that was thrown at me, I marvel that I had the strength and the wherewithal to survive the onslaught of chaos and stress that was thrown at me. But at the same time, right now I can feel the anxiety in me welling up. I can feel my heart sink every time my phone rings and it is my parents, even though I know they are not calling for anything bad. I can feel my stomach turn every time I check my email, even though there is no chance that anything bad could be there. I just feel like I am waiting for something bad to happen, even though this year has been so remarkably different from last year for me, part of me somewhere deep inside feels like something bad is around the corner waiting to rear its ugly head at me.
Then I am waiting to figure out what is going on with rotations and scheduling and the like so I feel like I am in a perpetual holding pattern like and airplane waiting to make its final descent to he ground on a busy day. I feel like so much is up in the air right now. Aside from the obvious waiting for the big bad board exam in June, which will keep me waiting forever it feels like some days and like it s on top of me others, I am also now waiting to find out if I will get the OMM fellowship at school. I decided to apply and was offered an interview coming up next month. So of course this puts everything in a potential state of flux. If I get the position, I will be pulled out of the track I am currently in and placed in another track for the fellowship spots. I have no problem with this, but I feel like I will not truly know my schedule for third year until i know if I will stay in the track that I am in or if I will be switched out. Of course there is the obvious waiting that is going on right now - the waiting for the interview. I want this fellowship so much and I can honestly see myself doing it that it is driving me crazy to wait.
So as I wait, for good or bad, I decided all I can really do is be true to myself and who I am because that is all I can do and if it is not to be then it is not to be. So each day I wake up, place one foot in front of the other and decide that today will be a good day.
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