Hello ladies and gentlemen!!
My son and I are participating in St. Baldrick's day at my school and will be shaving our heads in solidarity with children affected with pediatric cancers.
Please help in any way you can - spread the word among your family and friends, donate any amount you can there is no amount that is too small or insignificant.
Thank you all for your help in spreading the word and helping us raise funds to battle pediatric cancer :)
me:
http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/beckycostello
little man:
http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/declancostello
Monday, February 6, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Reflections: 2 years since my life changed
Today 2 years ago, my life forever changed - it was my interview day.
That day will forever be etched into my mind. The clothes I wore, the snow on the ground, being in the glass room...every detail will forever stay with me and be part of me. It was a day I thought I would never see, the day I know some others also thought I would never see and it was finally here. That day my life changed......that day began the journey that has forever changed me.
On that day if you had told me that the last year and a half of school and life would be filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and that somehow I would survive it all, I do not know if I would have believed you.
The last year I have faced tremendous challenges, some of which have left me speechless and shocked that somehow I had the strength to get through it all. I find myself stopped on more than one occasion and just in awe on how far I have come and the amount I have learned about myself as well as in school over the last two years. There have been times when I have been pushed to my very limits of what someone can handle - faced with issues with my son's school, the gossiping of classmates, the health issues my grandmother faced and just the general stress of being in medical school and whether or not I would succeed. All of the things in my personal life just placed so much stress on top of what was supposed to be a dream come true and turned it at times into a living nightmare. It made me dig to depths I did not know I had, doing my best impression of a phoenix on more than one occasion, and bring everything I had. And somehow, someway, much to my surprise still occasionally, I made it through and got to a much needed break.
I am so glad that I got to go with my family this summer to Disney. It held so many echoes, as the last time we were there I was still pregnant with little and we had brought my granny with to enjoy the sites with us. It was a welcome trip but at the same time just held so many echoes of what was, yet it was great to enjoy what is. The sheer enjoyment of watching little at the Princess lunch, the enjoyment of the dude as he got to experience it all again (even though he really has no memory of the first time) and the tolerance of the teen as she was pressing getting to the edge of age for enjoying the trip.
Then the realization that second year was completely different. I remember there were times during the first year when my second year friends would tell me that second year was so different than first year and wondering to myself what they were thinking and that they were completely off their rocker. Well lo and behold I will be the first to admit they were all right. This year has been completely different, I feel like it is much more suited to how I think and how my brain thinks and the classes are more interesting. Of course it could just be the Disney effect ;)
So two years later, and numerous times of wondering if I was doing the right thing, knowing I am doing the right thing, back to wondering if I am doing the right thing - I am still here. I am enjoying successes in the small victories - every step made is a step forward in the right direction, every victory is cherished, every challenge embraced. I will forever be grateful for the chance to be here, I am forever grateful that I sat in the room that day - despite all the bad, the good has far outweighed it.
Here is to a year and a half down - and roughly 4 1/2 months until d-day :)
That day will forever be etched into my mind. The clothes I wore, the snow on the ground, being in the glass room...every detail will forever stay with me and be part of me. It was a day I thought I would never see, the day I know some others also thought I would never see and it was finally here. That day my life changed......that day began the journey that has forever changed me.
On that day if you had told me that the last year and a half of school and life would be filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and that somehow I would survive it all, I do not know if I would have believed you.
The last year I have faced tremendous challenges, some of which have left me speechless and shocked that somehow I had the strength to get through it all. I find myself stopped on more than one occasion and just in awe on how far I have come and the amount I have learned about myself as well as in school over the last two years. There have been times when I have been pushed to my very limits of what someone can handle - faced with issues with my son's school, the gossiping of classmates, the health issues my grandmother faced and just the general stress of being in medical school and whether or not I would succeed. All of the things in my personal life just placed so much stress on top of what was supposed to be a dream come true and turned it at times into a living nightmare. It made me dig to depths I did not know I had, doing my best impression of a phoenix on more than one occasion, and bring everything I had. And somehow, someway, much to my surprise still occasionally, I made it through and got to a much needed break.
I am so glad that I got to go with my family this summer to Disney. It held so many echoes, as the last time we were there I was still pregnant with little and we had brought my granny with to enjoy the sites with us. It was a welcome trip but at the same time just held so many echoes of what was, yet it was great to enjoy what is. The sheer enjoyment of watching little at the Princess lunch, the enjoyment of the dude as he got to experience it all again (even though he really has no memory of the first time) and the tolerance of the teen as she was pressing getting to the edge of age for enjoying the trip.
Then the realization that second year was completely different. I remember there were times during the first year when my second year friends would tell me that second year was so different than first year and wondering to myself what they were thinking and that they were completely off their rocker. Well lo and behold I will be the first to admit they were all right. This year has been completely different, I feel like it is much more suited to how I think and how my brain thinks and the classes are more interesting. Of course it could just be the Disney effect ;)
So two years later, and numerous times of wondering if I was doing the right thing, knowing I am doing the right thing, back to wondering if I am doing the right thing - I am still here. I am enjoying successes in the small victories - every step made is a step forward in the right direction, every victory is cherished, every challenge embraced. I will forever be grateful for the chance to be here, I am forever grateful that I sat in the room that day - despite all the bad, the good has far outweighed it.
Here is to a year and a half down - and roughly 4 1/2 months until d-day :)
Sunday, January 22, 2012
waiting - the holding pattern and the other shoe
As the end of January comes closer and the start of February comes rushing towards me, I feel like I am in a perpetual state of waiting.
Part of me feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was about this time last year that things started going to heck in a hand basket. My grandmother was gearing up for a d&c and we knew there was a likelihood that she would need a hysterectomy. And I was so worried, so scared. Not nearly as scared or worried as I would be come February and things with her really went wrong. I was so trying to hold out hope, so trying to just get through the day. I was also dealing with my son and his teacher who for some reason did not like or care for my son and made his life a living heck, which was an incredible amount of stress on our family and me as a mom. Then on top of the stress and the waiting in my personal home life, the crap came raining down at school in my professional life. I found out through a friend I trusted that people were circulating rumors which were nasty and false about me, then I ended up having to talk to the Dean about said rumors and life was just so incredibly stressful. It was not a good time this time a year ago, and if I said otherwise I would be lying.
So here I am, same time a year later and part of me marvels at the fact that somehow someway I survived everything that was thrown at me, I marvel that I had the strength and the wherewithal to survive the onslaught of chaos and stress that was thrown at me. But at the same time, right now I can feel the anxiety in me welling up. I can feel my heart sink every time my phone rings and it is my parents, even though I know they are not calling for anything bad. I can feel my stomach turn every time I check my email, even though there is no chance that anything bad could be there. I just feel like I am waiting for something bad to happen, even though this year has been so remarkably different from last year for me, part of me somewhere deep inside feels like something bad is around the corner waiting to rear its ugly head at me.
Then I am waiting to figure out what is going on with rotations and scheduling and the like so I feel like I am in a perpetual holding pattern like and airplane waiting to make its final descent to he ground on a busy day. I feel like so much is up in the air right now. Aside from the obvious waiting for the big bad board exam in June, which will keep me waiting forever it feels like some days and like it s on top of me others, I am also now waiting to find out if I will get the OMM fellowship at school. I decided to apply and was offered an interview coming up next month. So of course this puts everything in a potential state of flux. If I get the position, I will be pulled out of the track I am currently in and placed in another track for the fellowship spots. I have no problem with this, but I feel like I will not truly know my schedule for third year until i know if I will stay in the track that I am in or if I will be switched out. Of course there is the obvious waiting that is going on right now - the waiting for the interview. I want this fellowship so much and I can honestly see myself doing it that it is driving me crazy to wait.
So as I wait, for good or bad, I decided all I can really do is be true to myself and who I am because that is all I can do and if it is not to be then it is not to be. So each day I wake up, place one foot in front of the other and decide that today will be a good day.
Part of me feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was about this time last year that things started going to heck in a hand basket. My grandmother was gearing up for a d&c and we knew there was a likelihood that she would need a hysterectomy. And I was so worried, so scared. Not nearly as scared or worried as I would be come February and things with her really went wrong. I was so trying to hold out hope, so trying to just get through the day. I was also dealing with my son and his teacher who for some reason did not like or care for my son and made his life a living heck, which was an incredible amount of stress on our family and me as a mom. Then on top of the stress and the waiting in my personal home life, the crap came raining down at school in my professional life. I found out through a friend I trusted that people were circulating rumors which were nasty and false about me, then I ended up having to talk to the Dean about said rumors and life was just so incredibly stressful. It was not a good time this time a year ago, and if I said otherwise I would be lying.
So here I am, same time a year later and part of me marvels at the fact that somehow someway I survived everything that was thrown at me, I marvel that I had the strength and the wherewithal to survive the onslaught of chaos and stress that was thrown at me. But at the same time, right now I can feel the anxiety in me welling up. I can feel my heart sink every time my phone rings and it is my parents, even though I know they are not calling for anything bad. I can feel my stomach turn every time I check my email, even though there is no chance that anything bad could be there. I just feel like I am waiting for something bad to happen, even though this year has been so remarkably different from last year for me, part of me somewhere deep inside feels like something bad is around the corner waiting to rear its ugly head at me.
Then I am waiting to figure out what is going on with rotations and scheduling and the like so I feel like I am in a perpetual holding pattern like and airplane waiting to make its final descent to he ground on a busy day. I feel like so much is up in the air right now. Aside from the obvious waiting for the big bad board exam in June, which will keep me waiting forever it feels like some days and like it s on top of me others, I am also now waiting to find out if I will get the OMM fellowship at school. I decided to apply and was offered an interview coming up next month. So of course this puts everything in a potential state of flux. If I get the position, I will be pulled out of the track I am currently in and placed in another track for the fellowship spots. I have no problem with this, but I feel like I will not truly know my schedule for third year until i know if I will stay in the track that I am in or if I will be switched out. Of course there is the obvious waiting that is going on right now - the waiting for the interview. I want this fellowship so much and I can honestly see myself doing it that it is driving me crazy to wait.
So as I wait, for good or bad, I decided all I can really do is be true to myself and who I am because that is all I can do and if it is not to be then it is not to be. So each day I wake up, place one foot in front of the other and decide that today will be a good day.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
new year, new beginning, long roads and same fears
Time for long overdue update. I must apologize for being gone so long. I am afraid the holidays, especially these first holidays without my grandma have been really difficult and required my attention directed more to family matters and supporting my family so I am afraid the blog has gone neglected.
I think my new years resolution is to try to update at least once a week, especially now that we enter that really crazy time which we all know and love as Board prep time *eek* and *double eek*....more on d-day later :)
Even though this marks the start of a new year, I am faced with many of the same fears and doubts. It was shortly after this time last year that everything started going to heck in a hand basket. While the rational part of me says I lived through what can only be described as he&l last year with everything that happened with my grandma plus the added stress of having unfounded accusations being thrown at me by someone at school and that there is no way that anything like that could happen again this year, the decidedly un-rational part of me still has a heartbeat skip when I sit down to take a test, still longed to call and talk to my grandma about making the decision to apply or not apply for the fellowship, or just to talk to her and hear her voice, part of me still panics before exams as I go through last minute material but I also then have to go through my mini mental checklist of picking out a focal point and things like that - things that I should not have to think about but do. But enough about that, let me update on everything that has happened as well as the decisions I have made over the last few months.
Okay, first the big bad board exams. Based on the specialties I am most interested in and the availability of fellowships in both the allopathic and osteopathic world, I have decided that if I go straight residency without fellowship I will do an osteopathic residency while if I decide to pursue the option that leads e down the fellowship program I will be applying to dually accredited or straight allopathic residency programs. Couple that with the fact that I am limited as to where I can apply due to the whole house/family/husband job situation I have decided ultimately to take the USMLE in addition to the COMLEX as I would like to keep as many doors open to me as possible. However, after a long thought process I decided not to take the USMLE in June like most of my classmates are doing. But why would you not want to do that Becky?? Quite simply it comes down to one word - preparation!!!!! I know how I like to prepare for exams, I know if I opt to take the USMLE that I need to ensure I do reasonably well as it is bad to take it and do not so well, and I know I could not handle the stress and havoc of prepping for two major life and career determining exams at the same time. Yes there are similarities, yes they are essentially over the same material - BUT, there are enough differences that they require separate preparation and dedicated study time. When I was talking to my classmates the other day, one of them said he thought we had to take the USMLE in June which is not true. As part of our education to continue we have to take the COMLEX by a certain date in June in order to continue on in rotations and meet graduation requirements. There is no requirements for me regarding the USMLE, none. AS an osteopathic student it is not required of me to take the USMLE during any part of my educational process, so since it is essentially another hoop I am willingly putting myself through why not optimize my chances of doing the best I can do and do what I feel is the best in order to achieve that goal. To that end, I am registering for the three month window of October-December of the end of this year. This allows me to tackle the COMLEX between now and June 11th (my d-day) and then knowing what I feel I was weaker on as well as the differences between the exams, I can then focus my attention on the USMLE and performing the best on an exam that while I know the material I am not really prepped in school to take due to differences in testing styles etc. I have been so used to saying next year, well I guess it is now *this* year that is all abut the board exams. Plus I figure if i take the USMLE later in the year, it gives me a bit more time to explore where I would need it and what score I am shooting for etc.
So why does this all matter you ask. And well I have to say that is a really good question. It all comes down to a two word answer - track preferences. Since we all go through the same hoops rotation wise third year, my school chooses to organize them into tracks. Each track has the rotations scheduled in different orders and then we rank which track we would like first, second, and on down the line. So when I looked at tracks, I was looking to rank the ones towards the top that met the criteria of not having a "heavy" schedule before the end of the year (not doing both surgery and OB before december for instance), the possibility of having an elective toward the end of the year during which I can opt to take 2 wks off to really do intensive prep or having the elective in the latter half of the year leaving the possibility open to be able to do one in Emergency medicine. And of course the big no-no from everyone I talked to or posted an opinion about it - ABSOLUTELY NO surgery and OB/GYN back to back unless you want to audition for a role in the next "Night of the Living Dead". Since we do our OB/gyn and pads in one 12 weeks block with 6 weeks of each and there is no way to guarantee that you will do pads first if you have that block right after surgery I avoided any track that had those two blocks of rotations back to back so those were my very last options. After all things were said and done, I ended up with my first option starting with surgery then a fairly light load of family med and psych until elective between thanksgiving and new year, my second option has the elective in late feb/early march but very similar in early scheduling with internal med at the end of the year, my third option has the elective near the holiday again but slightly earlier and then the fourth again has the elective near march. So I will find out sometime this month which track is the winner and then I can go forward with further scheduling and thinking and planning from there.
Of course this all goes out the window if I get the fellowship as far as rotation scheduling. Good thing about that is that it will require me to do surgery and OB in separate summers because they length of the rotations it is virtually impossible to schedule them both during the summer after MS-2.
That was the other big decision made later in the year. After much back and forth and weighing of pros and cons, I decided to apply for the Osteopathic Manipulative Medicine Fellowship at my school. OMM has been something I will freely admit I knew practically nothing about when I started this path as the DOs I worked with did not use it to any great extent. However, OMM is something I truly love and enjoy and found I have a natural talent for both in the doing and the teaching. This fellowship is so unique and such an incredibly wonderful opportunity, I ultimately decided that I could not let things go by without at least tossing my hat into the ring. I do not think I will know anything until March or so, so any positive thoughts or prayers are appreciated - I could certainly use any help I can get.
So here I am, new year - a ton of new hopes and dreams, all marked with a tinge of sadness at those who are not with us, all marked with the echoes of the things that happened last year but all very different and exciting and full of possibilities.
At the end of the day, I am still chugging along, still doing okay in my classes, still keeping life together at home and still plugging away at this amazing journey one day at a time while being blessed to have an absolutely amazing family at my side throughout the whole thing.
May all your new year dreams come true and may the year bring many blessings to each and every one of you no mater where on this journey you may be.
I think my new years resolution is to try to update at least once a week, especially now that we enter that really crazy time which we all know and love as Board prep time *eek* and *double eek*....more on d-day later :)
Even though this marks the start of a new year, I am faced with many of the same fears and doubts. It was shortly after this time last year that everything started going to heck in a hand basket. While the rational part of me says I lived through what can only be described as he&l last year with everything that happened with my grandma plus the added stress of having unfounded accusations being thrown at me by someone at school and that there is no way that anything like that could happen again this year, the decidedly un-rational part of me still has a heartbeat skip when I sit down to take a test, still longed to call and talk to my grandma about making the decision to apply or not apply for the fellowship, or just to talk to her and hear her voice, part of me still panics before exams as I go through last minute material but I also then have to go through my mini mental checklist of picking out a focal point and things like that - things that I should not have to think about but do. But enough about that, let me update on everything that has happened as well as the decisions I have made over the last few months.
Okay, first the big bad board exams. Based on the specialties I am most interested in and the availability of fellowships in both the allopathic and osteopathic world, I have decided that if I go straight residency without fellowship I will do an osteopathic residency while if I decide to pursue the option that leads e down the fellowship program I will be applying to dually accredited or straight allopathic residency programs. Couple that with the fact that I am limited as to where I can apply due to the whole house/family/husband job situation I have decided ultimately to take the USMLE in addition to the COMLEX as I would like to keep as many doors open to me as possible. However, after a long thought process I decided not to take the USMLE in June like most of my classmates are doing. But why would you not want to do that Becky?? Quite simply it comes down to one word - preparation!!!!! I know how I like to prepare for exams, I know if I opt to take the USMLE that I need to ensure I do reasonably well as it is bad to take it and do not so well, and I know I could not handle the stress and havoc of prepping for two major life and career determining exams at the same time. Yes there are similarities, yes they are essentially over the same material - BUT, there are enough differences that they require separate preparation and dedicated study time. When I was talking to my classmates the other day, one of them said he thought we had to take the USMLE in June which is not true. As part of our education to continue we have to take the COMLEX by a certain date in June in order to continue on in rotations and meet graduation requirements. There is no requirements for me regarding the USMLE, none. AS an osteopathic student it is not required of me to take the USMLE during any part of my educational process, so since it is essentially another hoop I am willingly putting myself through why not optimize my chances of doing the best I can do and do what I feel is the best in order to achieve that goal. To that end, I am registering for the three month window of October-December of the end of this year. This allows me to tackle the COMLEX between now and June 11th (my d-day) and then knowing what I feel I was weaker on as well as the differences between the exams, I can then focus my attention on the USMLE and performing the best on an exam that while I know the material I am not really prepped in school to take due to differences in testing styles etc. I have been so used to saying next year, well I guess it is now *this* year that is all abut the board exams. Plus I figure if i take the USMLE later in the year, it gives me a bit more time to explore where I would need it and what score I am shooting for etc.
So why does this all matter you ask. And well I have to say that is a really good question. It all comes down to a two word answer - track preferences. Since we all go through the same hoops rotation wise third year, my school chooses to organize them into tracks. Each track has the rotations scheduled in different orders and then we rank which track we would like first, second, and on down the line. So when I looked at tracks, I was looking to rank the ones towards the top that met the criteria of not having a "heavy" schedule before the end of the year (not doing both surgery and OB before december for instance), the possibility of having an elective toward the end of the year during which I can opt to take 2 wks off to really do intensive prep or having the elective in the latter half of the year leaving the possibility open to be able to do one in Emergency medicine. And of course the big no-no from everyone I talked to or posted an opinion about it - ABSOLUTELY NO surgery and OB/GYN back to back unless you want to audition for a role in the next "Night of the Living Dead". Since we do our OB/gyn and pads in one 12 weeks block with 6 weeks of each and there is no way to guarantee that you will do pads first if you have that block right after surgery I avoided any track that had those two blocks of rotations back to back so those were my very last options. After all things were said and done, I ended up with my first option starting with surgery then a fairly light load of family med and psych until elective between thanksgiving and new year, my second option has the elective in late feb/early march but very similar in early scheduling with internal med at the end of the year, my third option has the elective near the holiday again but slightly earlier and then the fourth again has the elective near march. So I will find out sometime this month which track is the winner and then I can go forward with further scheduling and thinking and planning from there.
Of course this all goes out the window if I get the fellowship as far as rotation scheduling. Good thing about that is that it will require me to do surgery and OB in separate summers because they length of the rotations it is virtually impossible to schedule them both during the summer after MS-2.
That was the other big decision made later in the year. After much back and forth and weighing of pros and cons, I decided to apply for the Osteopathic Manipulative Medicine Fellowship at my school. OMM has been something I will freely admit I knew practically nothing about when I started this path as the DOs I worked with did not use it to any great extent. However, OMM is something I truly love and enjoy and found I have a natural talent for both in the doing and the teaching. This fellowship is so unique and such an incredibly wonderful opportunity, I ultimately decided that I could not let things go by without at least tossing my hat into the ring. I do not think I will know anything until March or so, so any positive thoughts or prayers are appreciated - I could certainly use any help I can get.
So here I am, new year - a ton of new hopes and dreams, all marked with a tinge of sadness at those who are not with us, all marked with the echoes of the things that happened last year but all very different and exciting and full of possibilities.
At the end of the day, I am still chugging along, still doing okay in my classes, still keeping life together at home and still plugging away at this amazing journey one day at a time while being blessed to have an absolutely amazing family at my side throughout the whole thing.
May all your new year dreams come true and may the year bring many blessings to each and every one of you no mater where on this journey you may be.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The "don't become too focused" debate
*sigh*
So I do have some idea of what it is I want to do when all is said and done with school. And that idea has changed as I have crossed things off my checklist which I found did not meet some of the criteria I know I want in my career as a physician and things have been added as I have discovered routes and options that I had no clue even existed. And I am sure the latter will probably still continue as I enter into rotations and see more options in medicine.
However, I was talking with someone the other day here at school about one of my newer interests and quite frankly probably one of my top prospects of consideration, and he told me I should not become too focused and eliminate things. Huh????
I do not think I am *that* focused, I simply know what I want and know what I am bad at.
For instance, I am a clutz. I swear I can trip up stairs, and I have in fact done so. Knowing this, I know surgery probably not a good career choice for me. Is it bad for me to say I know this is not me at this point in the game knowing that the field and what it requires is not ideal for me??
Also, is it bad to say no I do not want to do OB/GYN because I do not want to have to deal with the insane hours of call that are required because you can not control when someone goes into labor (as much as we may try). This does not fit with my idea of what I want for my family. Is it bad for me to eliminate this at this stage of the game because the demands of the career are not what fits in my lifestyle and my personality???
I guess it leaves me in this crux. I am trying to keep an open mind to new things that fit what I want, but at the same time I think when you do this as a non-trad you have to have some idea of what it is you want and where it is you want to go. Otherwise, how do we endure all of the exams, all of the sacrifices we make, all of the junk we put ourselves through as we reach this dream?? What makes it worth it if it is not for the light at the end of the tunnel?? Why sacrifice a weekend with our family to spend time with 30 cadavers if not for the knowledge of the fact that we are doing so in order to be able to do what we were meant to do and what we love to do? And to endure that torture (sorry for those that love anatomy, but it is definitely not me), why is it bad to keep in mind the goal we are working toward?
And even now, as I debate the whole do I or do I not take the USMLE debate, why is it bad to have some idea of what it is I want to do? Does this not help me make that decision based on availability and location of residency or fellowship programs? Does this not help me decide whether I want to put myself through the horrors of two major board exams, one of which I do not have to take, in order to be abel to have a career as what I want to do rather than settling for something less???
I guess it just comes down to one of those non-trad things that some people, despite their best intentions, do not truly understand.
So I do have some idea of what it is I want to do when all is said and done with school. And that idea has changed as I have crossed things off my checklist which I found did not meet some of the criteria I know I want in my career as a physician and things have been added as I have discovered routes and options that I had no clue even existed. And I am sure the latter will probably still continue as I enter into rotations and see more options in medicine.
However, I was talking with someone the other day here at school about one of my newer interests and quite frankly probably one of my top prospects of consideration, and he told me I should not become too focused and eliminate things. Huh????
I do not think I am *that* focused, I simply know what I want and know what I am bad at.
For instance, I am a clutz. I swear I can trip up stairs, and I have in fact done so. Knowing this, I know surgery probably not a good career choice for me. Is it bad for me to say I know this is not me at this point in the game knowing that the field and what it requires is not ideal for me??
Also, is it bad to say no I do not want to do OB/GYN because I do not want to have to deal with the insane hours of call that are required because you can not control when someone goes into labor (as much as we may try). This does not fit with my idea of what I want for my family. Is it bad for me to eliminate this at this stage of the game because the demands of the career are not what fits in my lifestyle and my personality???
I guess it leaves me in this crux. I am trying to keep an open mind to new things that fit what I want, but at the same time I think when you do this as a non-trad you have to have some idea of what it is you want and where it is you want to go. Otherwise, how do we endure all of the exams, all of the sacrifices we make, all of the junk we put ourselves through as we reach this dream?? What makes it worth it if it is not for the light at the end of the tunnel?? Why sacrifice a weekend with our family to spend time with 30 cadavers if not for the knowledge of the fact that we are doing so in order to be able to do what we were meant to do and what we love to do? And to endure that torture (sorry for those that love anatomy, but it is definitely not me), why is it bad to keep in mind the goal we are working toward?
And even now, as I debate the whole do I or do I not take the USMLE debate, why is it bad to have some idea of what it is I want to do? Does this not help me make that decision based on availability and location of residency or fellowship programs? Does this not help me decide whether I want to put myself through the horrors of two major board exams, one of which I do not have to take, in order to be abel to have a career as what I want to do rather than settling for something less???
I guess it just comes down to one of those non-trad things that some people, despite their best intentions, do not truly understand.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The "how do you do it?"/ "I don't know how you do it" crowd
*sigh*
I swear if I had a nickel for every time someone said to me either:
1. "How do you do it?" (med school and family) OR
2. "I don't know how you do it" (med school and family)
I think I would have a serious dent made in children's college educational funds ;)
I know these comments come from a place where people do not understand and would like to understand, but I find it hard to explain. It would be like me asking a traditional student "how do you do it without a family?". They equally find their words lacking but they know that they just do. Just as I just do, just as I keep trucking away one task, one accomplishment at a time towards a finish line that keeps inching ever more closer.
Over the past few days I have given this some thought and here is what I have come with so far in my sleep-deprived musings:
I was a mom first. I came into this being a mom, being a medical student was merely a bonus. Being mom was my identity not being a student not being in medical school but mom. That has not changed. When I come home at the end of a long day, I am still greeted with choruses of "mommy!!". I am still greeted with bounding running hugs coming from the bus stop by the over excited kindergartner. I still read stories at night, I still ask what happened in school that day. I am still mom.
Before this began, I knew how incredibly time consuming and life consuming this process could be, and I made a conscious decision NOT to let that happen to me. I made a decision that there is nothing in this world that is worth my family. I was raised in a family where both immediate family and extended family always came first, we always watch out for each others back and always lend a hand where one is needed. Family was always first, and that was something I vowed to keep as I entered medical school....it is something that has been problem some at times, but something I think I am keeping. It is simple things, like eating dinner together when possible, having lunch together on weekends, going out to a movie on a free Friday night, making plans to go to the apple orchard or making cookies on a night after a bunch of exams.
There have been so many times in this process where I have been grateful for my family. This process can become so communing, so overwhelming so....well I think it is hard to explain properly until you are faced with it but it can just take over your life if you let it. Having my family helps keep me focused, they help remind me that there is more to life than medical school. They remind me of the simple joys of eskimo kisses, laughter, pride at watching you child succeed and the joy of spending time with someone who loves you so incredibly unconditionally. It is more than just exams, which is what it feels like at time, it is life.
And life is beautiful and complex, and exists outside of medical school.
THAT is how I do it........but that is also WHY I do it.
I swear if I had a nickel for every time someone said to me either:
1. "How do you do it?" (med school and family) OR
2. "I don't know how you do it" (med school and family)
I think I would have a serious dent made in children's college educational funds ;)
I know these comments come from a place where people do not understand and would like to understand, but I find it hard to explain. It would be like me asking a traditional student "how do you do it without a family?". They equally find their words lacking but they know that they just do. Just as I just do, just as I keep trucking away one task, one accomplishment at a time towards a finish line that keeps inching ever more closer.
Over the past few days I have given this some thought and here is what I have come with so far in my sleep-deprived musings:
I was a mom first. I came into this being a mom, being a medical student was merely a bonus. Being mom was my identity not being a student not being in medical school but mom. That has not changed. When I come home at the end of a long day, I am still greeted with choruses of "mommy!!". I am still greeted with bounding running hugs coming from the bus stop by the over excited kindergartner. I still read stories at night, I still ask what happened in school that day. I am still mom.
Before this began, I knew how incredibly time consuming and life consuming this process could be, and I made a conscious decision NOT to let that happen to me. I made a decision that there is nothing in this world that is worth my family. I was raised in a family where both immediate family and extended family always came first, we always watch out for each others back and always lend a hand where one is needed. Family was always first, and that was something I vowed to keep as I entered medical school....it is something that has been problem some at times, but something I think I am keeping. It is simple things, like eating dinner together when possible, having lunch together on weekends, going out to a movie on a free Friday night, making plans to go to the apple orchard or making cookies on a night after a bunch of exams.
There have been so many times in this process where I have been grateful for my family. This process can become so communing, so overwhelming so....well I think it is hard to explain properly until you are faced with it but it can just take over your life if you let it. Having my family helps keep me focused, they help remind me that there is more to life than medical school. They remind me of the simple joys of eskimo kisses, laughter, pride at watching you child succeed and the joy of spending time with someone who loves you so incredibly unconditionally. It is more than just exams, which is what it feels like at time, it is life.
And life is beautiful and complex, and exists outside of medical school.
THAT is how I do it........but that is also WHY I do it.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
update on my crazy week
So here is the update on my crazy busy week last week :)
1. Pharmacology test Monday and Pathology test Wednesday. This means I have 7:30 mornings Monday and Wednesday and 8:10 mornings the remainder of the week. Needless to say there may be a lot of coffee involved this week.
UPDATE: Both exams went well. B in pharmacology and A in Pathology. I wish I could have done a little better in Pharmacology but there is always the next test :) I will say that Friday morning was a two coffee morning so yes there was an awful lot of coffee involved in my week.
2. Aeryn (my youngest) had an asthma flare at the end of last week, sometime this week I need to get her back in for a re-check.
UPDATE: Aeryn went in Friday afternoon for a recheck and she was doing much better. We have her off of oral steroids (she was on a five day course), and are down to news twice a day for the next few days then will be weaning her down to once a day. Her inhaled steroid dose is also going down from 2 puffs twice a day to 1 puff twice a day then we will go back to one puff once a day over the next few weeks.
3. We have dance Monday evening, Thursday evening and Friday evening between my two girls.
UPDATE: Dance was only Monday evening so thank goodness :) Thursday and Friday were cancelled due to the fact that the studio has a production this past weekend and they were having dress rehearsals for that. Of course this means that the classes that were missed will be made up eventually so that week is bound to be crazy *sigh* Thank goodness for carpooling
4. I have a school conference for Declan Tuesday evening.
UPDATE: Declans conference went well. Completely different picture being painted for me than what I heard about last year. It is amazing what a difference being in the right school with caring teachers makes.
5. Speaking of Declan, I also need to get him in to the doctor. He had a cold a few weeks back but he just can not seem to get rid of the cough completely, it sounds really deep when he does cough and he has been tired lately. So he needs to get in to make sure nothing else is going on.
UPDATE: Declan went in with Aeryn on Friday afternoon, he is okay they think it is just allergies since he does not have any abnormal lung sounds. But he does however have a blocked tear duct so we got some ointment for his eye.
6. We have OMM next week, which means I will start working on that at the end of this week.
UPDATE: OMM is tomorrow morning and I feel pretty ready for it. I am going to do one more pass today then look over the practical sheets later as well and start working n those. I need to review cervical diagnosis but I think that will probably be tomorrow afternoon.
7. I need to make the charts for micro.
UPDATE: I actually decided to go with flashcards for micro and I have indeed started them but I need to make significant progress here so I imagine I will be working on this today.
8. I need to make flashcards for Pharmacology
UPDATE: I started flashcards and am almost through the first 3 lectures so I need to get cranking on this as well.
9. Declan has picture day on Tuesday so I need to figure out what he is wearing.
UPDATE: This was my sad moment of the week. I stopped at Lands End after school on Monday to pick Declan up something and without even realizing what I was doing I picked him out a pale blue plaid shirt, a heather gray shirt and dark blue corduroys. AS I set them down on the counter, all of a sudden as I looked at them I realized what I had done and my heart ached. My heart ached because I knew it was one of those outfits that if my granny had seen him in it she would have said how handsome he looked, she always loved him in blue. :(
10. Thursday evening I am helping out in the Health career professions day at school, something I love but something that means I will not be back until late in the evening, which will make the 8:10 class friday morning that much harder.
UPDATE: This was so much fun. I truly enjoy doing this so I always have fun. I have one more coming up in the spring then I will not get to do these anymore.
11. I need to find time to get my TB test down and my flu shot done so I can do my ECCP soon.
UPDATE: First step of TB and flu shot scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.
12. I need to arrange my ECCP with someone.
UPDATE: I signed up to be in the ER on my birthday, cause what better way to spend your birthday then in the emergency room??
13. I need to call the allergist and make an appointment for Aeryn. Well first I need to find a new allergist. The one we have been seeing only is in the location close to us one day a week and that simply is not going to work with my schedule.
UPDATE: This was harder than I thought it would be, first I had to find an allergy group that took pediatric patients that did not have a zillion and one offices. But I found one and Aeryn is scheduled for her appointment on October 19th. I am praying they find something, that something comes back positive this time although I know there is a chance that she may still pop negative,
14. Somewhere in all of this I suppose I need to sleep.
UPDATE: I did indeed sleep, not as much as I would have like perhaps but I did sleep.
1. Pharmacology test Monday and Pathology test Wednesday. This means I have 7:30 mornings Monday and Wednesday and 8:10 mornings the remainder of the week. Needless to say there may be a lot of coffee involved this week.
UPDATE: Both exams went well. B in pharmacology and A in Pathology. I wish I could have done a little better in Pharmacology but there is always the next test :) I will say that Friday morning was a two coffee morning so yes there was an awful lot of coffee involved in my week.
2. Aeryn (my youngest) had an asthma flare at the end of last week, sometime this week I need to get her back in for a re-check.
UPDATE: Aeryn went in Friday afternoon for a recheck and she was doing much better. We have her off of oral steroids (she was on a five day course), and are down to news twice a day for the next few days then will be weaning her down to once a day. Her inhaled steroid dose is also going down from 2 puffs twice a day to 1 puff twice a day then we will go back to one puff once a day over the next few weeks.
3. We have dance Monday evening, Thursday evening and Friday evening between my two girls.
UPDATE: Dance was only Monday evening so thank goodness :) Thursday and Friday were cancelled due to the fact that the studio has a production this past weekend and they were having dress rehearsals for that. Of course this means that the classes that were missed will be made up eventually so that week is bound to be crazy *sigh* Thank goodness for carpooling
4. I have a school conference for Declan Tuesday evening.
UPDATE: Declans conference went well. Completely different picture being painted for me than what I heard about last year. It is amazing what a difference being in the right school with caring teachers makes.
5. Speaking of Declan, I also need to get him in to the doctor. He had a cold a few weeks back but he just can not seem to get rid of the cough completely, it sounds really deep when he does cough and he has been tired lately. So he needs to get in to make sure nothing else is going on.
UPDATE: Declan went in with Aeryn on Friday afternoon, he is okay they think it is just allergies since he does not have any abnormal lung sounds. But he does however have a blocked tear duct so we got some ointment for his eye.
6. We have OMM next week, which means I will start working on that at the end of this week.
UPDATE: OMM is tomorrow morning and I feel pretty ready for it. I am going to do one more pass today then look over the practical sheets later as well and start working n those. I need to review cervical diagnosis but I think that will probably be tomorrow afternoon.
7. I need to make the charts for micro.
UPDATE: I actually decided to go with flashcards for micro and I have indeed started them but I need to make significant progress here so I imagine I will be working on this today.
8. I need to make flashcards for Pharmacology
UPDATE: I started flashcards and am almost through the first 3 lectures so I need to get cranking on this as well.
9. Declan has picture day on Tuesday so I need to figure out what he is wearing.
UPDATE: This was my sad moment of the week. I stopped at Lands End after school on Monday to pick Declan up something and without even realizing what I was doing I picked him out a pale blue plaid shirt, a heather gray shirt and dark blue corduroys. AS I set them down on the counter, all of a sudden as I looked at them I realized what I had done and my heart ached. My heart ached because I knew it was one of those outfits that if my granny had seen him in it she would have said how handsome he looked, she always loved him in blue. :(
10. Thursday evening I am helping out in the Health career professions day at school, something I love but something that means I will not be back until late in the evening, which will make the 8:10 class friday morning that much harder.
UPDATE: This was so much fun. I truly enjoy doing this so I always have fun. I have one more coming up in the spring then I will not get to do these anymore.
11. I need to find time to get my TB test down and my flu shot done so I can do my ECCP soon.
UPDATE: First step of TB and flu shot scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.
12. I need to arrange my ECCP with someone.
UPDATE: I signed up to be in the ER on my birthday, cause what better way to spend your birthday then in the emergency room??
13. I need to call the allergist and make an appointment for Aeryn. Well first I need to find a new allergist. The one we have been seeing only is in the location close to us one day a week and that simply is not going to work with my schedule.
UPDATE: This was harder than I thought it would be, first I had to find an allergy group that took pediatric patients that did not have a zillion and one offices. But I found one and Aeryn is scheduled for her appointment on October 19th. I am praying they find something, that something comes back positive this time although I know there is a chance that she may still pop negative,
14. Somewhere in all of this I suppose I need to sleep.
UPDATE: I did indeed sleep, not as much as I would have like perhaps but I did sleep.
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